Emotional Chastity

Alexis circled Father William at our gathering and waited on him like an attentive wife. They looked at each other adoringly. When I asked him if all was well in that relationship, he assured me that they had never had sex.

Eric and Paul requested that I bless their friendship in the spirit of Jonathan and David. ‘We want to covenant together for life as friends.’ Both had same-sex experience and were engaged in different Living Waters groups. They assured me they would never sexualize each other. When I remarked on their obvious mutual infatuation, they were clueless. 

Married Susan loved Theology of the Body and taught a course to her parish. Frank, a new Catholic and recent divorcee, loved its poetic profundity; it awakened in him the truth that he was still a gift post-marriage and that he could reverence Susan’s gift as well. In time, she asked him to partner with her in teaching the course, as her disinterested husband couldn’t. Frank and Susan fell in love without undressing and wondered why they couldn’t share such a deep spiritual bond.

All three examples (taken from real life) illustrate the most subtle sin against chastity. Emotional unchastity is adultery of heart; it takes the emotional goods reserved for a healthy marriage and distorts them, like huge logs crammed into a fireplace too small. Flames belch smoke and risk razing the house. Emotional unchastity can also be idolatry, as devotion to the creature leeches authentic worship of the Creator.

Subtle. All three examples intended honestly to grow in love with Christ and members. But in alighting on one member and cultivating inordinate affection with him (or her), the icon of God’s goodness becomes an idol, an altar that requires deadly sacrifices.

No sex yet? Just wait. Friendships and holy vows and marriages are at risk. Even if one avoids moral felonies, emotional malformation occurs by demanding of the creature what God doesn’t. 

We are all vulnerable to this, especially those of us who have been frustrated in our efforts to give and receive in upright relationships. Extended emotional malnourishment, often sourced in childhood, sets us up for the one person who gets us. When we seize this other as our own, we create a closed circle that will ultimately suffocate the relationship. Like carbon monoxide, emotional unchastity kills if undetected.

The good news? We can grow in self-awareness and sensitivity to the Spirit Who always leads us to more mature chastity! That means registering the inner complaint that ‘something is off here.’ Confess strains of adultery and idolatry and welcome the mercy that makes all things new.

No need to be dramatic or shocked by your temptation. I have been humbled in real ways by my lack of emotional chastity. I just committed to grow in chastity by owning its immaturity and making changes in heart and action.  

Get help and accountability to make these changes. Setting good boundaries can prevent the collapse of an otherwise helpful relationship. If possible, redistribute to a couple other friends the need that you posited on one. Feel the emptiness but act too. You are still a good gift: a flawed human one to whom God and others give much grace to mature!

Awareness of emotional unchastity invites recommitment to spiritual chastity. That means cultivating passion for Jesus. Straighten up and worship Him! Stop practicing the all-consuming presence of a creature and devote yourself to the Creator. 

Emotional chastity invites us to take up our little crosses (we can make them bigger than they need be, especially us Catholics—we LOVE our crosses) and seek daily to love people from our heart without insisting (s)he be everything. Only Jesus. He helps us order affections that light up bright marriages and radiant single lives.